Why So Delirious??

its hard to find out who my friends are... this whole war against them and my boyfriend starts all over again. Everytime theres a problem, they always take it out on my boyfriend...

This time it was my understanding friend..and yes, he can be a little mean sometimes. I havent talked to them in a while..its nice to get away from all the yelling and being taken advantage of...its pretty sad being with them and not even fitting in. Having friends that love you but you cant even relate to them or tell them anything isnt really all that great. I guess im meant to be one of those.."friendless, Loner" people...i think i really am. I'm back on track with 7th grade and i was sick of it. Theres nothing to look forward to when i wake up.. Im inspirational-less. One of my so called friends, brian decided it'd be funny he spreaded a rumor that i give blow jobs.. Most people don't believe it but some stupid people do and think im a whorse without an s. It's pretty stupid...so yeah, he hates me for some reason..he told me a secret, and i promised not to tell because i said "who am i gonna tell anyways?? you can trust me." but i guess i cant trust him...well guess what..i can ride my bike with no handlebars. no handlebars. no handlebars. hehehe

Onward with finding out whos a friend...i guess i better stick with girls as friends again cuz guys can be real d1cks sometimes..they don't help with anything because when i ask for boyfriend advicewhen things go wrong..they dont say everythings gonna be ok..no they dont! they tell me hes being a little b1tch and that i should leave him because things never work out and that i should be realistic thinking that nothing lasts forever...that sounds like pretty negative advice dont ya think??? it never helps...it makes me feel worse and they think theyve done alright.

Plus my guy friends think of nothing but themselves..they know NOTHING about me. nothing at all. i bet if i ask them what my favorite color is, it'd all be some stupid answer like pink...fyi..its green. LIME GREEN. nobody seems to understand me, and im not trying to sound emo... the only person who understands me is ME! NOBODY ELSE. Sure, i can make jokes with cindy...but she only knows 3/4's of me.. aaron knows probably 99/100 about me. me, i know 100/100 about me...nobody gets my feelings...nobody cares...nobody listens..just my mind, my thoughts, my dreams that are never fulfilled. Everything that happens to me..sticks with me and i remember anything u say that hurt or scarred me, anything you did that hurt or scarred me, anything that you think...that hurt or scarred me. I have a memory like an elephant that keeps you mezmorized when i tell you bout it. Sometimes its harder than it seems to memorize what doesnt matter to me. But i always think about it. Why do you hurt me so? Because all you think about is yourself, you being solo. Do i ever matter to you guys? Do you ever think about this one? Because it always seems when you're talking to me nothing ever seems to be that fun. It's like i go past right through your ears...like a bullet from an assassin. Every word i say to you just keeps passin and passin. So now listen up to me. You're pointless and pathetic. I dont need people in my llife like you, i'll leave and i wont regret it. Nothing seems to matter to you so who cares if i were gone? Cuz you'd just be thinking about yourself and no one else later on. You probably wouldnt even realize if i were even there. If i walked by knocked ur table over itd just be like air to you so why...why do u even bother...starting a fight with me? becuase you have nothing to do with your life but eat, sleep, fight and dream. So this is a message to you guys. The ones that dont listen. Please remember how you treat people and keep on remeniscing. I'm gone.

strangest email ive ever gotten lol


My love Please get back to me.‏
From:
winners winners (*******@gmail.com)
You may not know this sender.Mark as safeMark as junk
Sent:
Sat 7/25/09 8:04 AM
To:
Dear loved one.I saw your profile on the site and wish to contact you after seeing your profile, you appear gentle, I humble wish you will aspect my request to be my lovely friend.Let me introduce my self to you as gentle hansom young graduate that is interested inKnowing you and having you as a lovely friend so kindly welcome my request.My dear I am presently waiting for your positive reply that will keep us as friendsForever.Regards.

Eric Brown


ok..firstof all..what site? and second..my love??? this guys desperate haha

is it normal to be the one who tells others "stay positive and everything would be better" or "if you keep being optimistic, itd most likely happen." and be the one who doesnt follow what you say? Is it normal to tell somebody to watch a movie and say its great and not even watch it yourself? Well, if it is, then im not concerned about myself. Today has been a rather negative day for me, just like any other.

There was not much activity today as a usual summer vacation. I haven't been sewing in a while, its been a number of weeks since i made something astonishing. I don't think im up for the whole "indie fashion designer". Lately during the summer i've been making some pretty nice and useful things out of old clothes (recontructing) and my family has loved it. Everyone's been telling me that i should start a business or a clothing line. I was so excited, it was like buying a new toy and wanting to play with it the minute you get home. So that's how i felt. I wanted to start it already and i didnt have any experience nor enough ideas to become an entrepreneur for fashion. It was just a sudden thought that i just needed to do without going deeper into it.

The more i heard about me having a business the less i think about wanting one. Is it because i'm thinking over how i'm not able to handle this or is it because i'm just doing the b1tchy rebellious teenage thing and try to go against what everyone's thinking. Maybe it's a mesh of both. A war between the adult thinking and the stupid teenage logic. I've been told that i have an old soul, but still can have fun, just the right way. I can be a teenager but say no to drugs and alcohol, it's not that hard actually. So now i can be a teenager and handle a business including taxes, bills, investments and all this cr4p? Saying no to drugs is easy for me as a teenager but for some reason saying yes to opportunity is mission impossible?

Aaron told me theres lots of time to think about handling a business. I talked about it with him, since he's the only one who listens, cares, AND handles. Hard to find that in a guy these days. I mentioned how hard it'd be, thinking about all these things at once and balancing it our with family, personal, school and business life. It sounds like something i'd have to worry about until im in flippin college and what am i? a freshman in the summer! It's just too much to think about and i hardly do any of that now... My mom mentioned about my business. She seemed happy..but my expression back was blank, blah, bland, nada. "I'm gonna ask my coworker because she knows someone who starts teenage entrepreneurs, so we can check it out sometime." with her nice happy face. I think she's really interested in me having a business. "Oh, uh yeah maybe.." then i go back in the room and talk to Aaron about it. I feel so pressured, it's not like they're yelling at me to do it or shotgun to the head, it's just how they felt so proud and everyone putting the spotlight on how talented i was, how brilliantly creative i am, and at my age. I felt like the only one who does this type of stuff. Like it was my individual talent that no one can have. I walked into reality and it punched me in the face, of course im not the only one, theres plently of other great fashion designers and creative kids my age and younger than me, and it's their passion.

Now today i thought about my sewing as a hobby not something to get money and spend so much time and brains on. Really, what am i gonna do with selling clothes, what if theres no one to buy it, what if i can't even sew right? What if what if what if! All these IFS pop into my head everytime i think about it. I just think too much, think too deep and too hard. I should stay optimistic and not let it get to me much, but, come on, I'm a kid. I can't make stuff right. Theres plenty of fashionable kids out there, and i'm a plain person. simple jeans and a t-shirt. That's me for ya.

I wanna do so many things, well try in my case. I always do this. I get into something so much. Get into it real good. Then when it becomes a little routine, i grow bored of it, try something else. My parents always seemed...well my mom always seemed disappointed when i say "i dont know what i wanna do" and she acts like i should start figuring out something. Im never gonna make any money with all the things i like to do so theres no "career" option that i've found. Clubs suck 4ss and all you do is sit and talk about stuff only about the club. It's like another class. I hate being in class only if it's either too cold and the heaters on or too hot and the ac's on. Either than that, i'm a class hater. Along with club hating. All my hobbies are a "come and go" but they stay just for a little bit, but just not as much as i love. Like i loved sewing, but my mom told me to hem her pants into shorts, doing the same type of thing all in one is pretty boring. So i grew tired. More and more. No ideas. None of my own, atleast. I never really based ideas straight from myself. They're all from DIY sites, well not all, but most. I'm nothing. I know i'm not being optimistic, but it's kinda hard to deal with right now.