Why So Delirious??

is it normal to be the one who tells others "stay positive and everything would be better" or "if you keep being optimistic, itd most likely happen." and be the one who doesnt follow what you say? Is it normal to tell somebody to watch a movie and say its great and not even watch it yourself? Well, if it is, then im not concerned about myself. Today has been a rather negative day for me, just like any other.

There was not much activity today as a usual summer vacation. I haven't been sewing in a while, its been a number of weeks since i made something astonishing. I don't think im up for the whole "indie fashion designer". Lately during the summer i've been making some pretty nice and useful things out of old clothes (recontructing) and my family has loved it. Everyone's been telling me that i should start a business or a clothing line. I was so excited, it was like buying a new toy and wanting to play with it the minute you get home. So that's how i felt. I wanted to start it already and i didnt have any experience nor enough ideas to become an entrepreneur for fashion. It was just a sudden thought that i just needed to do without going deeper into it.

The more i heard about me having a business the less i think about wanting one. Is it because i'm thinking over how i'm not able to handle this or is it because i'm just doing the b1tchy rebellious teenage thing and try to go against what everyone's thinking. Maybe it's a mesh of both. A war between the adult thinking and the stupid teenage logic. I've been told that i have an old soul, but still can have fun, just the right way. I can be a teenager but say no to drugs and alcohol, it's not that hard actually. So now i can be a teenager and handle a business including taxes, bills, investments and all this cr4p? Saying no to drugs is easy for me as a teenager but for some reason saying yes to opportunity is mission impossible?

Aaron told me theres lots of time to think about handling a business. I talked about it with him, since he's the only one who listens, cares, AND handles. Hard to find that in a guy these days. I mentioned how hard it'd be, thinking about all these things at once and balancing it our with family, personal, school and business life. It sounds like something i'd have to worry about until im in flippin college and what am i? a freshman in the summer! It's just too much to think about and i hardly do any of that now... My mom mentioned about my business. She seemed happy..but my expression back was blank, blah, bland, nada. "I'm gonna ask my coworker because she knows someone who starts teenage entrepreneurs, so we can check it out sometime." with her nice happy face. I think she's really interested in me having a business. "Oh, uh yeah maybe.." then i go back in the room and talk to Aaron about it. I feel so pressured, it's not like they're yelling at me to do it or shotgun to the head, it's just how they felt so proud and everyone putting the spotlight on how talented i was, how brilliantly creative i am, and at my age. I felt like the only one who does this type of stuff. Like it was my individual talent that no one can have. I walked into reality and it punched me in the face, of course im not the only one, theres plently of other great fashion designers and creative kids my age and younger than me, and it's their passion.

Now today i thought about my sewing as a hobby not something to get money and spend so much time and brains on. Really, what am i gonna do with selling clothes, what if theres no one to buy it, what if i can't even sew right? What if what if what if! All these IFS pop into my head everytime i think about it. I just think too much, think too deep and too hard. I should stay optimistic and not let it get to me much, but, come on, I'm a kid. I can't make stuff right. Theres plenty of fashionable kids out there, and i'm a plain person. simple jeans and a t-shirt. That's me for ya.

I wanna do so many things, well try in my case. I always do this. I get into something so much. Get into it real good. Then when it becomes a little routine, i grow bored of it, try something else. My parents always seemed...well my mom always seemed disappointed when i say "i dont know what i wanna do" and she acts like i should start figuring out something. Im never gonna make any money with all the things i like to do so theres no "career" option that i've found. Clubs suck 4ss and all you do is sit and talk about stuff only about the club. It's like another class. I hate being in class only if it's either too cold and the heaters on or too hot and the ac's on. Either than that, i'm a class hater. Along with club hating. All my hobbies are a "come and go" but they stay just for a little bit, but just not as much as i love. Like i loved sewing, but my mom told me to hem her pants into shorts, doing the same type of thing all in one is pretty boring. So i grew tired. More and more. No ideas. None of my own, atleast. I never really based ideas straight from myself. They're all from DIY sites, well not all, but most. I'm nothing. I know i'm not being optimistic, but it's kinda hard to deal with right now.