Why So Delirious??

agh i dont know what is wrong with me. I keep getting so insecure about myself just tonight.

Ok, well my bf invited me to go to a dio concert with him and our friends, his dad's taking us. I've never met his dad...or his stpedad, so it's gonna scare me a little bit.....Plus, im being dropped off at his house, where his mom is, and his stepdad, and i've never met them before. So he all of a sudden comes out with "fix yourself up please? my dad's very judgemental and is gonna say something about you to his wife.." "oh...uhm ok.." "trim your nosehairs?" "i...are they long??" "no no they aren't..one sticks out a little, you could just pull it i guess.." "but i...it sticks out??" (i'm thinking, i don't have a nose-hair trimmer...) "yeah, kinda...i'm not trying to be mean, i just want him to not talk about you bad.." "then i guess i shouldn't bring my dinosaur hat.." "yeahhh hehehe he doesn't understand your ways." "oh..ok.." the ni was just looking at myself in the mirror and thinking all these things.. Is his dad gonna like me? Hate me? not even care? What if my gigantic pimple gets in the way of things? What if he thinks i'm too short? stubby? fat, skinny? What if he doesn't like my bushy hair...or the way i talk.. all these things ran through my mind and i beat myself up about it even more..

I was talking to my friend, victor, who still has a crush on me even though i told him i only think of him as a friend.... all my feelings well, not all of them.. "THE PIMPLES GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING!!!" "no gwen, it's ok..i have 2 pimples that havent gone away.." "but mines gigantic!!!" "im sure you look fine.." "fine...fine???? FINE" "ok ok ok i mean pretty.." "ok...phew...u sure?" "im sure.." "aghhh but idk if his dads gonna like me!!" "aww im sure he will just dont stress about it!" "he wont accept me.." "and why is that.." "because im weird." "you're not weird." "YES i am WEIRD you have noooo idea." "why are you weird.." "cuz i wear dinosaur hats." "that's not weird..its just different.." "differents just a nicer way of saying weird!!!" so then i stopped talking to him about it but i stilll kept thinking about it.. and i took it out the mean way and sent a text to aaron eve nthough he's sleeping..

:shouldn't your dad like me because you love me? shouldn't he be glad or something that you like me the way i am? not because im some sorta made-up thing covering up my individuality and im gonna bring ym dinosaur hat just to bring it and i dont care if they hate me or not..."

then i thought about it..

"no im sorry baby this is important ok, i'll fix myself i dont have a nose hair trimmer though...but i'll look presentable.."

i don't see the point in looking presentable but i'm doing it in favor of aaron...he doesn't ask much, so what does a little bit of make up and some pulling nose-hairs do?

btw..i looked in the mirror..and saw NO nose hairs sticking out... liar... oh well, maybe some days.

Even though i sent a text in compromising, i still sulked abotu myself in bed...practically yelling at myself in my thoughts..
"look at my eyebrows...theyre caterpillars.." "my chest is so flat i have no cleavage.." "my stomach is so lumpy it looks weird.." :I'm so short!!! i cant reach anything!" "this pimple is ruining my life.." "my hair is so unruly and bushy the only way to tame it is braiding but i look even more of a little girl!" "thats another thing i look like a little girl!!!! i wanna look my age..." "i'm so weird..who likes a girl that likes to shop at thrift shops and make stuff out of them because i have nothing better to do since im such a no life and only have a little bit of friends.." "am i really as pretty as aaron tells me i am??" "i dont feel so hot anymore.."

just all these things in my mind.. emo? no. Misunderstood? a little.. confused? YES. I can never tell if i like myself or if anyone's telling the truth. I've bee nthis way ever since..i don't believe it when people tell me i look great sometimes.. I don't believe it when aaron told me i was perfect in every way and that im the most beautiful girl he's ever seen...only sometimes. Most of the time i get so sweet about it but other times when i feel bad about myself, i just..i don't know what to think about myself.. I guess i'm so insecure cuz everyone always expects something outta me..Like, i'm not the person they wanted me to be... They want me to be a dude, but i love dresses. They want me to be a girl, but i love video games and hanging out with guys, they want me to be ultra nerd, but i still have my doubts in homework, they want me to be clean, neat, and uptight but i still leave stuff around and forget where i placed things..Why does everyone expect so much out of me???? What, do they think i'm some kind of robot you can switch onto manual and change every feature...every detail..every thought, clothing, or style.. I can't figure out who i am, but it's a good thing you can't place me into one specific label. I'm a whole bunch of things, but it's not really hyped. Why do my parents want me to be in leadership? sure, i make good choices in life, but i don't like being a role model, it creates more pressure...plus the work..some teachers think i LIKE work. Come On..i'm 14..who likes work at 14?!?!?!? who likes work at any age????

When i'm drawing, or doing something creative...my family overestimates what i'm capable of, they want me to draw a wolf...for their shirt design...Isn't the 1st one already good enough? i kinda like...worked hard on that, thank you... but the wolf picture they gave me..is so..detailed...so...not my style of art..i can't even draw good anymore.. i beat myself about them too..My dress that i made today, failure. I didn't even wanna try drawing the wolf for my uncle. My dad wants it on his ski mask for airsofting..but..i dont have materials for it.. they think i can magically make this stuff using anything.. I've been making beanies...lately those are the only nice things i have made.. I have many ideas for them and i keep going on.. But, one beanie, for gean's friend, i messed up, it was too small, a part of it fell off and it didn't look that pretty anyways... so then i just gave her one of the other ones.. She still complains that she wants a bow on it. I make a bow, remembering its supposed to be reversible..so i put a safety pin instead of sewing it down..

I mess up on everything.. Everywhere..anytime..When i actually tell my parents about it.. they think it's a line to get what i want..when really...its how i felt about myself ever since kindergarten..just grew stronger and stronger every year cuz i just mess up everything.
When i was smaller...i'd drop things all the time...my dad would always get mad at me...i'm just clumsy since i'm a little kid... Even until now..i'm just...uncoordinated..i dropped plates..it's always my fault..sometimes its not even my fault.. sometimes i wish i could be less of what i am.. i wish i could be normal sometimes..like other people..not clumsy...not always hating myself for everything i do. i just cant help it!! i'm such a mess up.... sure, i'm emotional but atleast i don't try to kill myself or cut myself up..i get too afraid of the pain, besides, it causes more stress... I'm stressed up to level 9 out of 10...and it's not the first time i've been so mad at myself it's like...everytime i mess up i get like this.