Why So Delirious??

agh i dont know what is wrong with me. I keep getting so insecure about myself just tonight.

Ok, well my bf invited me to go to a dio concert with him and our friends, his dad's taking us. I've never met his dad...or his stpedad, so it's gonna scare me a little bit.....Plus, im being dropped off at his house, where his mom is, and his stepdad, and i've never met them before. So he all of a sudden comes out with "fix yourself up please? my dad's very judgemental and is gonna say something about you to his wife.." "oh...uhm ok.." "trim your nosehairs?" "i...are they long??" "no no they aren't..one sticks out a little, you could just pull it i guess.." "but i...it sticks out??" (i'm thinking, i don't have a nose-hair trimmer...) "yeah, kinda...i'm not trying to be mean, i just want him to not talk about you bad.." "then i guess i shouldn't bring my dinosaur hat.." "yeahhh hehehe he doesn't understand your ways." "oh..ok.." the ni was just looking at myself in the mirror and thinking all these things.. Is his dad gonna like me? Hate me? not even care? What if my gigantic pimple gets in the way of things? What if he thinks i'm too short? stubby? fat, skinny? What if he doesn't like my bushy hair...or the way i talk.. all these things ran through my mind and i beat myself up about it even more..

I was talking to my friend, victor, who still has a crush on me even though i told him i only think of him as a friend.... all my feelings well, not all of them.. "THE PIMPLES GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING!!!" "no gwen, it's ok..i have 2 pimples that havent gone away.." "but mines gigantic!!!" "im sure you look fine.." "fine...fine???? FINE" "ok ok ok i mean pretty.." "ok...phew...u sure?" "im sure.." "aghhh but idk if his dads gonna like me!!" "aww im sure he will just dont stress about it!" "he wont accept me.." "and why is that.." "because im weird." "you're not weird." "YES i am WEIRD you have noooo idea." "why are you weird.." "cuz i wear dinosaur hats." "that's not weird..its just different.." "differents just a nicer way of saying weird!!!" so then i stopped talking to him about it but i stilll kept thinking about it.. and i took it out the mean way and sent a text to aaron eve nthough he's sleeping..

:shouldn't your dad like me because you love me? shouldn't he be glad or something that you like me the way i am? not because im some sorta made-up thing covering up my individuality and im gonna bring ym dinosaur hat just to bring it and i dont care if they hate me or not..."

then i thought about it..

"no im sorry baby this is important ok, i'll fix myself i dont have a nose hair trimmer though...but i'll look presentable.."

i don't see the point in looking presentable but i'm doing it in favor of aaron...he doesn't ask much, so what does a little bit of make up and some pulling nose-hairs do?

btw..i looked in the mirror..and saw NO nose hairs sticking out... liar... oh well, maybe some days.

Even though i sent a text in compromising, i still sulked abotu myself in bed...practically yelling at myself in my thoughts..
"look at my eyebrows...theyre caterpillars.." "my chest is so flat i have no cleavage.." "my stomach is so lumpy it looks weird.." :I'm so short!!! i cant reach anything!" "this pimple is ruining my life.." "my hair is so unruly and bushy the only way to tame it is braiding but i look even more of a little girl!" "thats another thing i look like a little girl!!!! i wanna look my age..." "i'm so weird..who likes a girl that likes to shop at thrift shops and make stuff out of them because i have nothing better to do since im such a no life and only have a little bit of friends.." "am i really as pretty as aaron tells me i am??" "i dont feel so hot anymore.."

just all these things in my mind.. emo? no. Misunderstood? a little.. confused? YES. I can never tell if i like myself or if anyone's telling the truth. I've bee nthis way ever since..i don't believe it when people tell me i look great sometimes.. I don't believe it when aaron told me i was perfect in every way and that im the most beautiful girl he's ever seen...only sometimes. Most of the time i get so sweet about it but other times when i feel bad about myself, i just..i don't know what to think about myself.. I guess i'm so insecure cuz everyone always expects something outta me..Like, i'm not the person they wanted me to be... They want me to be a dude, but i love dresses. They want me to be a girl, but i love video games and hanging out with guys, they want me to be ultra nerd, but i still have my doubts in homework, they want me to be clean, neat, and uptight but i still leave stuff around and forget where i placed things..Why does everyone expect so much out of me???? What, do they think i'm some kind of robot you can switch onto manual and change every feature...every detail..every thought, clothing, or style.. I can't figure out who i am, but it's a good thing you can't place me into one specific label. I'm a whole bunch of things, but it's not really hyped. Why do my parents want me to be in leadership? sure, i make good choices in life, but i don't like being a role model, it creates more pressure...plus the work..some teachers think i LIKE work. Come On..i'm 14..who likes work at 14?!?!?!? who likes work at any age????

When i'm drawing, or doing something creative...my family overestimates what i'm capable of, they want me to draw a wolf...for their shirt design...Isn't the 1st one already good enough? i kinda like...worked hard on that, thank you... but the wolf picture they gave me..is so..detailed...so...not my style of art..i can't even draw good anymore.. i beat myself about them too..My dress that i made today, failure. I didn't even wanna try drawing the wolf for my uncle. My dad wants it on his ski mask for airsofting..but..i dont have materials for it.. they think i can magically make this stuff using anything.. I've been making beanies...lately those are the only nice things i have made.. I have many ideas for them and i keep going on.. But, one beanie, for gean's friend, i messed up, it was too small, a part of it fell off and it didn't look that pretty anyways... so then i just gave her one of the other ones.. She still complains that she wants a bow on it. I make a bow, remembering its supposed to be reversible..so i put a safety pin instead of sewing it down..

I mess up on everything.. Everywhere..anytime..When i actually tell my parents about it.. they think it's a line to get what i want..when really...its how i felt about myself ever since kindergarten..just grew stronger and stronger every year cuz i just mess up everything.
When i was smaller...i'd drop things all the time...my dad would always get mad at me...i'm just clumsy since i'm a little kid... Even until now..i'm just...uncoordinated..i dropped plates..it's always my fault..sometimes its not even my fault.. sometimes i wish i could be less of what i am.. i wish i could be normal sometimes..like other people..not clumsy...not always hating myself for everything i do. i just cant help it!! i'm such a mess up.... sure, i'm emotional but atleast i don't try to kill myself or cut myself up..i get too afraid of the pain, besides, it causes more stress... I'm stressed up to level 9 out of 10...and it's not the first time i've been so mad at myself it's like...everytime i mess up i get like this.

its hard to find out who my friends are... this whole war against them and my boyfriend starts all over again. Everytime theres a problem, they always take it out on my boyfriend...

This time it was my understanding friend..and yes, he can be a little mean sometimes. I havent talked to them in a while..its nice to get away from all the yelling and being taken advantage of...its pretty sad being with them and not even fitting in. Having friends that love you but you cant even relate to them or tell them anything isnt really all that great. I guess im meant to be one of those.."friendless, Loner" people...i think i really am. I'm back on track with 7th grade and i was sick of it. Theres nothing to look forward to when i wake up.. Im inspirational-less. One of my so called friends, brian decided it'd be funny he spreaded a rumor that i give blow jobs.. Most people don't believe it but some stupid people do and think im a whorse without an s. It's pretty stupid...so yeah, he hates me for some reason..he told me a secret, and i promised not to tell because i said "who am i gonna tell anyways?? you can trust me." but i guess i cant trust him...well guess what..i can ride my bike with no handlebars. no handlebars. no handlebars. hehehe

Onward with finding out whos a friend...i guess i better stick with girls as friends again cuz guys can be real d1cks sometimes..they don't help with anything because when i ask for boyfriend advicewhen things go wrong..they dont say everythings gonna be ok..no they dont! they tell me hes being a little b1tch and that i should leave him because things never work out and that i should be realistic thinking that nothing lasts forever...that sounds like pretty negative advice dont ya think??? it never helps...it makes me feel worse and they think theyve done alright.

Plus my guy friends think of nothing but themselves..they know NOTHING about me. nothing at all. i bet if i ask them what my favorite color is, it'd all be some stupid answer like pink...fyi..its green. LIME GREEN. nobody seems to understand me, and im not trying to sound emo... the only person who understands me is ME! NOBODY ELSE. Sure, i can make jokes with cindy...but she only knows 3/4's of me.. aaron knows probably 99/100 about me. me, i know 100/100 about me...nobody gets my feelings...nobody cares...nobody listens..just my mind, my thoughts, my dreams that are never fulfilled. Everything that happens to me..sticks with me and i remember anything u say that hurt or scarred me, anything you did that hurt or scarred me, anything that you think...that hurt or scarred me. I have a memory like an elephant that keeps you mezmorized when i tell you bout it. Sometimes its harder than it seems to memorize what doesnt matter to me. But i always think about it. Why do you hurt me so? Because all you think about is yourself, you being solo. Do i ever matter to you guys? Do you ever think about this one? Because it always seems when you're talking to me nothing ever seems to be that fun. It's like i go past right through your ears...like a bullet from an assassin. Every word i say to you just keeps passin and passin. So now listen up to me. You're pointless and pathetic. I dont need people in my llife like you, i'll leave and i wont regret it. Nothing seems to matter to you so who cares if i were gone? Cuz you'd just be thinking about yourself and no one else later on. You probably wouldnt even realize if i were even there. If i walked by knocked ur table over itd just be like air to you so why...why do u even bother...starting a fight with me? becuase you have nothing to do with your life but eat, sleep, fight and dream. So this is a message to you guys. The ones that dont listen. Please remember how you treat people and keep on remeniscing. I'm gone.

strangest email ive ever gotten lol


My love Please get back to me.‏
From:
winners winners (*******@gmail.com)
You may not know this sender.Mark as safeMark as junk
Sent:
Sat 7/25/09 8:04 AM
To:
Dear loved one.I saw your profile on the site and wish to contact you after seeing your profile, you appear gentle, I humble wish you will aspect my request to be my lovely friend.Let me introduce my self to you as gentle hansom young graduate that is interested inKnowing you and having you as a lovely friend so kindly welcome my request.My dear I am presently waiting for your positive reply that will keep us as friendsForever.Regards.

Eric Brown


ok..firstof all..what site? and second..my love??? this guys desperate haha

is it normal to be the one who tells others "stay positive and everything would be better" or "if you keep being optimistic, itd most likely happen." and be the one who doesnt follow what you say? Is it normal to tell somebody to watch a movie and say its great and not even watch it yourself? Well, if it is, then im not concerned about myself. Today has been a rather negative day for me, just like any other.

There was not much activity today as a usual summer vacation. I haven't been sewing in a while, its been a number of weeks since i made something astonishing. I don't think im up for the whole "indie fashion designer". Lately during the summer i've been making some pretty nice and useful things out of old clothes (recontructing) and my family has loved it. Everyone's been telling me that i should start a business or a clothing line. I was so excited, it was like buying a new toy and wanting to play with it the minute you get home. So that's how i felt. I wanted to start it already and i didnt have any experience nor enough ideas to become an entrepreneur for fashion. It was just a sudden thought that i just needed to do without going deeper into it.

The more i heard about me having a business the less i think about wanting one. Is it because i'm thinking over how i'm not able to handle this or is it because i'm just doing the b1tchy rebellious teenage thing and try to go against what everyone's thinking. Maybe it's a mesh of both. A war between the adult thinking and the stupid teenage logic. I've been told that i have an old soul, but still can have fun, just the right way. I can be a teenager but say no to drugs and alcohol, it's not that hard actually. So now i can be a teenager and handle a business including taxes, bills, investments and all this cr4p? Saying no to drugs is easy for me as a teenager but for some reason saying yes to opportunity is mission impossible?

Aaron told me theres lots of time to think about handling a business. I talked about it with him, since he's the only one who listens, cares, AND handles. Hard to find that in a guy these days. I mentioned how hard it'd be, thinking about all these things at once and balancing it our with family, personal, school and business life. It sounds like something i'd have to worry about until im in flippin college and what am i? a freshman in the summer! It's just too much to think about and i hardly do any of that now... My mom mentioned about my business. She seemed happy..but my expression back was blank, blah, bland, nada. "I'm gonna ask my coworker because she knows someone who starts teenage entrepreneurs, so we can check it out sometime." with her nice happy face. I think she's really interested in me having a business. "Oh, uh yeah maybe.." then i go back in the room and talk to Aaron about it. I feel so pressured, it's not like they're yelling at me to do it or shotgun to the head, it's just how they felt so proud and everyone putting the spotlight on how talented i was, how brilliantly creative i am, and at my age. I felt like the only one who does this type of stuff. Like it was my individual talent that no one can have. I walked into reality and it punched me in the face, of course im not the only one, theres plently of other great fashion designers and creative kids my age and younger than me, and it's their passion.

Now today i thought about my sewing as a hobby not something to get money and spend so much time and brains on. Really, what am i gonna do with selling clothes, what if theres no one to buy it, what if i can't even sew right? What if what if what if! All these IFS pop into my head everytime i think about it. I just think too much, think too deep and too hard. I should stay optimistic and not let it get to me much, but, come on, I'm a kid. I can't make stuff right. Theres plenty of fashionable kids out there, and i'm a plain person. simple jeans and a t-shirt. That's me for ya.

I wanna do so many things, well try in my case. I always do this. I get into something so much. Get into it real good. Then when it becomes a little routine, i grow bored of it, try something else. My parents always seemed...well my mom always seemed disappointed when i say "i dont know what i wanna do" and she acts like i should start figuring out something. Im never gonna make any money with all the things i like to do so theres no "career" option that i've found. Clubs suck 4ss and all you do is sit and talk about stuff only about the club. It's like another class. I hate being in class only if it's either too cold and the heaters on or too hot and the ac's on. Either than that, i'm a class hater. Along with club hating. All my hobbies are a "come and go" but they stay just for a little bit, but just not as much as i love. Like i loved sewing, but my mom told me to hem her pants into shorts, doing the same type of thing all in one is pretty boring. So i grew tired. More and more. No ideas. None of my own, atleast. I never really based ideas straight from myself. They're all from DIY sites, well not all, but most. I'm nothing. I know i'm not being optimistic, but it's kinda hard to deal with right now.

After the bell rang, a quiet walk down the stairs we went. The senior who stayed in class comes to catch up with me and Aaron "You guys are duuumb." he said in a jokingly matter. We both laugh and i say "eh, i was about to go in.." I really was, but everyone called me and said "NO! NO! come here!" they were all coaxing me to come back like a kitten stuck in a tree. I was about to take a drink of water from the water fountain and Aaron took out his gatorade and shook it forcing me to come back for the sugary goodness. I walked back, frustrated. We walked down some more stairs but the senior had left before us. We caught up with Rene and he explained his class watching Finding Nemo. I blurted "we did nothing in class today." "Liar." "Serious..we werent even in class..it was empty." "liiiarrr" "no serious."



Walking was the normal thing. Go down the hill, turn left (watch out for the crazy drivers) everywhere you walk, windows down, bumping music that's heard so many times but still considered "underground" such as immortal technique. I have nothing against them, i actually like them. It's the posers who listen to the music so loud no real conversation goes on in the car.



While walking, we catch up with a friend, Daniel. He's a super Sophomore, and way older than all of us. We passed the middle school and while everyone was talking, these three characters come running dow n the sidewalk. They were smiling so i thought maybe they're just catching up with a friend. That's what you would think. Out of no where a crowd pops out behind us, not too far away. We turn around "Ay...they're gonna get down" Daniel said. We all turned and saw dust flying..the girl running by, (hair in a bun, toned body, low cut spaghetti strap black tank and some cut-off jean shorts) starts hitting this softball player. We could tell she's a softball player from her uniform of course. It was a couple of hits, or more...the softball player trying to block her face and get away, the girl still moving forward and hitting her. We were all staring and wondering what's going on... Daniel stared with phone at hand...there were two teachers heading towards them, cars stopping in the middle of the road beeping. "hey! HEY! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" the teachers say. One of them is jogging and the o ther briskly walking...afraid to drop his coffee while walking fast. The girl in the black jams along with two shorter boys that look no older than my little sister. All suited in their baggy attire that's 3 sizes more than they should be, advertising for jenny craig basically. They run past us. The girl's bra is popping out of her shirt, since her shirt was pulled down on the right breast area...it was unsightly for me but the best thing Daniel has seen. While walking a little more, we talk about it. "They pulled down her shirt, man!!!" Daniel said with a gigantic smile on his face. "oh, yeah, i only saw her running past us with her bra popping out." I said laughing along. "YEAH! but while they were fighting, the softball player pulled the girls shirt AND bra down I saw the whole thing...MAN! I AHD MY CELL PHONE! i shouldve taped it...F*ck." Me and Aaron laugh at him. When we crossed the street, Aaron crossed to the other side with Daniel, leaving me, Rene and Gean on the regular side. We still saw them, but i let him pass since he never really gets to talk to his friends. Gean tried racing them since they have long legs and we're vertically challenged to walk at their pace, we had to walk kinda fast. She wouldn't stop even though it was painfully tiring, and completely useless to race. Out of no where, Daniel starts to run, "He's Cheating!!!" shouts Gean pointing at him running. Aaron was left by himself so he looks around the street, waiting for the passing cars and J-walks, or runs. "I knew you would do that.." I said all smiling. "What? How'd you know?" "the way you were looking around the street..it's obvious." "oh hehe..yeah." We kept walking, until we reached the point to where McDonald's and Jack's is. Rene heads for McDonalds to pick up his brother and head home, Aaron wanted soem Jack's, so we followed. While sitting there, it was nice and peaceful, but we got the seats in the front, which feels a little exposing. Usually, we get the seats in the back. Daniel came in with a girl. Before he came in, we saw them walking there. "I think he likes her.." Aaron says looking at them both. "oh, why do you say that?" "he always talks about her and his background of his phone is her picture..and her's is his." "ohh wow. yeah, i think so too.." We eat for a bit and find the back table empty. We throw away our trash and go to the back table only with a medium soda. I tried to read my book, Johnny Hazzard, for a bit but got distracted terribly by Gean's hyper behavior. She got my ghetto bookmark made of ripped wordsearch puzzle and folded. She tried finding words and made up silly ones, honestly, i thought she was being too hyper. When she's hyper like that, you can't really control it. You can get as mad as you can with her, but she'd still be laughing, which is bad in most cases. Like this case here. From her uncontrolling laughter, me and Aaron were just giggling, not laughing as loud as she was. She kept singing songs loudly and chanted "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no aliby you ugly" and we just giggled and said "ok..." but she wouldn't stop laughing loudly. From the back you could hear "GROW UP..kids...f*ck man." me and aaron look at her, it's this chola chick who thinks she's all that. After all, Gean is a kid stupid *ss. A chubby girl with her gets up all frustrated and throws her trash away murmering "feel like f*cking someone UP right now" I nod no getting disappointed both at gean and the girl's behavior. The girl looks at me angrily and said "what, does she have something to say? SAY IT" i still nod no, looking at her though, without an expression, i wasn't scared, it was a public area. I wasn't angry, she was just stupid. I was just disappointed in the way kids can act these days. She was not that much older than me. I had her in my PE class in 6th grade and she has always been this abrasive. They walk away, gean still smiling. It made me a little angry, i wanted to say "this isn't funny." or "this isn't a joke, those are serious gangsters." they were. Crazy chola son of a biscuits. She was still laughing, i was very frustrated now. Aaron was worried when i told him "i know her." he got scared thinking she might kill my family or something. "nothing to worry, she doesn't know where i live or anything like that, i just know who she is, im sure she doesn't know me at all." He seemed relieved after i said that and said "just be careful." Gean was playing around with things. I texted Aaron becausei couldn't say it outloud.

Me: I dont think its safe for gean to walk with us anymore.
Aaron: why, is it because of them? just ignore them and you'll be fine.
Me: no it's not them, it's for the future. She's always acting like this and it's not good to be acting this way in a stupid town like this one.
Aaron: true. what are you gonna do?
Me: idk. I need to find out a way but i don't think she'll understand i mean, look at us, we're not gonna be able to win a fight if there was one, we're not gonna be able to hold her back from being loud, we're not gonna be able to do anything protective, we're kids!
Aaron: Yeah, you should tell your parents so they can tell her.
Me: i should.

the conversation added and there was a long silence. The girl who beat up the softball player came to Jack's as well with a couple of other friends. As if things couldnt get any safer!! Soon as i saw them, i told Aaron "let's get outta here." we got our things and were about to walk home, but when we were about to cross the crosswalk, they too were going that way. great. We back up and wait for them to walk a little. Aaron suggests that we just wait at McDonalds until things get a little more cooled down. We waited for Mommy to pick us up and Aaron waited til 5 so he could head home. After 5, me and gean still waited. It was silent and boring. I texted Aaron the whole way, though. Finally at 5:30 or so she showed up. The girl who beat up the softball player and her friends came into McDonalds while me and gean went out. They sounded like normal people of the East. "I wish my boyfriend was that fine.." said one tall girl to the other while the girl who beat up some chick held hands with a jenny craig advertiser with a hat and matching oversized clothes. I quickly walked into the car, hating this town more than ever. I wish i could just get out of here, the only thing holding me back, is Aaron.

I hate this place.
First thing I'm doing when I'm old enough and able to move...I am NOT living here. I love my family and all but this place is a sh!thole. It's not the first time I really realized it, but it's the first when i felt furious about living here. The reason why we're still here is money, family, and for me, Aaron.

For today, I'm pretty sure it started out when we started to go to 4th period. People decided to pull a prank on the teacher since it was testing and the attendance didn't count for 4th period. We all ditched the class. I know, pretty stupid. The only one who didnt ditch was a senior, if he ditched, he'd get kicked out of school. We all hid in the hallway, all of us. It's a pretty small class come to think of it, but a pretty big group to look like ditchers. Everyone laughing, snickering, predicting what would happen if a security guard comes walking by, a whole bunch of stupid stuff. I stood quietly...waiting for the bell to ring and that would be the blissful sound to my ear since i am such a goody-two-shoe nerd who wouldn't want to get in trouble (anymore) we stood there, one hour and a half. Standing, sitting, waiting to go pee. Well, for me anyways. People kept running out the door whenever the door would open, thinking it's a security guard. I stood there with a couple of people accompanying, me, evette (some girl i don't talk to), Jasmin, and Aaron. Sometimes Anthony, but people drag him with them. At the last 5 minutes, we decided to walk into the classroom quietly. I held the chains of my backpack so i don't make too much of an interruption. I sit down..nice and quietly..sub's not noticing me.. "you!" sh!t. "yes?" "come here, what's your name?" I walk over to her..little old lady, thick "Gwen.." "Gwen, what were you doing this whole time? No one was outside.." "oh..but, they came in late too..." "yes, but I'm asking you.." I turned to Buddy and Jasmine (the loud one) they made hand signals..mouthing (restroom!! PEE!) "ohh uhh..I had to..." other people walked in.. she looked at them instead and yelled out to them.. a relief came straight to my head..the only person in the whole class afraid of getting in trouble, get's called to speak for the others. Great. She seems like she forgot the conversation of me faking to go pee. She tells us all to sign our names onto a paper...we all sit back down..but she orders Kimberly to close the door. Several girls are in back of her and while people are signing names, they leave. Only Javier, Jasmin, Buddy, and Aaron are left. Smallest class in the world. I stared at the wall..i felt like a trouble maker, and a flippin nerd at the same time for worrying about being a troublemaker. My mind has lost it's track over the past weeks.

LOL i copied and pasted this from Yahoo! Answers..it was tha funniest question ive ever read...lol



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My gf is PREGNANT?! were 14 btw....?
ok so my bff/gf sometimes is pregnant....were 14 & we were just playing around with our privates....ppl on this website said it makes u closer and it is a romantic and fun time....so anyway i stuck the pencil in her pencil case for about 4 minutes and then we were just touching. i just found out that shes a month pregnant and she doesnt want to get an abortion. i dont want her to get one either. the thing is, were both emo. none of us really talk 2 our parents since they're all rich and content with their lives and they dont really like seeing us cut ourselves. i know its pathetic but we dont have jobs and we want to be rockstars. i guess thats a good thing since rockstars make good money and the baby could be a part of the act. ahh idk what to do. please tell me what 2 do. my ex gf told me that if i dump my current gf (the one thats pregnant) then shell have sex with me every night....so idk if i should do that or whatever. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE!!!!
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